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Saturday, December 31, 2016

If Two Thousand Is A Sweet Seventeen

Assalamualaikum. Hye.

No it's not sweet. It's tasteless.

Ok would it be too early to reduce the whole year into a word describing my feeling now at the end of 2016? Or would be unfair, even.

Yesterday, i spent some time with some old friends. Today, i met some more. The feeling was warm. And fuzzy. It was good. Maybe nicer than that. I described it perfectly in my heart. I just can't put it in here for some reasons.

However, i must be honest with myself, how i hate remembering some of the things. Ah, people. How people remembered. And they always remember the worst, of the worst.


It was not surprising for me to already anticipate that. From everyone. I just hate it. But it happened. And i can do nothing to stop it. But why would i?

How bad the years could be? How bad they could make you feel? Make me feel. Am i that weak? To be affected by time like that? I thought i was stronger and still am, and will forever be.

Seems like i was wrong, yet again.

Things in the past, how people still remember who i was, yet forgotten what have i become, just to laugh at me when they recalled. Oh, you become this. Pity.

Was i hurt by the laughter? Fuck you bet i was. But sooner that i thought, i started to realize that's just part of it. It's beyond my capacity to do anything about it. So why don't i be indifferent about it, and laugh at it, too?

At least by laughing, it doesn't sound too bad in the end. Yeah we're not great. So what? Ha-ha.

Of course, if you used to be finer than you currently are, people will compare. Now add those who are not that fine before but now they are radiant. Ok you can excuse yourself now.

Was it that bad? Was it that bad to be bad? Was it that bad to be bad, so bad you couldn't keep what you had, and losing more than you gain. Two hands are not enough to hold on, and you just keep on letting go.

Was it that bad? Or was it sweet? Sure you feel that fuzzy warmth, again. But with a different vibe. The vibe you had before was tickling. Now it makes you wanna puke.

So it was bad. Yes it was.

I can keep on saying it. How bad it was. How bad it will be? Why me...?

Or i can try to follow what was written in many books. Be positive blahbahblah.

I don't know. I just wanna be fine, trying to keep things in order, while still being realistic. Things went wrong so far i can't handle it no more. But that doesn't mean it was really that fucking bad, right?

It's still, kinda fine. I'm still alive, am i not? Maybe i am dead inside but still i am alive.

And being alive means i'm eligible to be hopeful. The greatest motivation no books can ever give. To make someone believe in futures.

It's not that bad. Even if it is, i will still try. Gotta live this life before i die, huh?

yes it is and i'll forgive myself :)

Thanks for reading. Bye ;)