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Saturday, October 30, 2010

I know sooner or later… I will let go after all….


Assalamualaikum. Hye.




Yeah it’s been a month since I arrived at Egypt… many things happened and amused me in a lot of ways… I know people will laugh upon seeing me too but I can’t help laughing when watching people with their stuffs… here, everything is just way too amusing…

Why I am here? Why I am here? Why I am still here? I am the one who doesn’t scare of blood but I rather peel a machine rather than a human…. I never overcome my fear of slimy thingies especially bugs but I am going to put my hands inside the gastro intestinal tract soon… how come this is happening to me?
I admit… everything wasn’t my decision… it was just written that way and I have no courage of questioning it nor complaining about it… come to think of it… I was so lucky… I was one of the students at my previous secondary school, whom the teachers believed in.. to get the school with  flying to the sky colours… yeah thank god I achieved my goal to score 11As what a relief I didn’t take EST paper or else I might get one B back there…

I am not a genius but god always give me chances… I did a lot of mistakes but he forgave me, maybe… I did repent a lot… and repeat the mistakes again and again… I don’t know ..it’s not mine to talk about this anyway… however I believe my presence here is due to god’s will upon me… there are so many things I had gone through in making this decision and suddenly this is the answer that I get… although it was not fully my decision.. I accept it with all my heart…
This person who got 11As applied for scholarships… yeah scholarshipS…. He was very greedy… actually not so… he just doesn’t want to burden his parents anymore… unlike many other boys.. this one was rather snobbish.. He was not so obedient, rather defensive, rather big talker, and sometimes coward… he just had a heart that wished, wished, and wished that he could e a better person and maybe that is the reason god still give him chances….
At first this boy applied for JPA… he went to arau, perlis for the interview… he believed a stupid fact he got from out of nowhere about the interview at arau would be much simpler and the competition was rather low… indeed he was wrong… people are good anywhere… even in arau… =p=p

Next he applied for petronas… he was once the holder of BKP… know that? Yeah Biasiswa kecil petronas it is… the only boy at his school of his batch… if I am not mistaken…. He was soooo delirious upon knowing that his best friend was also going to apply for it…

Next he was dreaming to be a pharmacist… he thought being a pharmacist is easy… his friend’s sister is a pharmacist… living a simple but luxurious life… making him admire pharmacy even more… so he intended to join an agent to go to Egypt, studying on his own money.. at that time he didn’t know how was the hell of studying overseas without sponsorship… at least for him as he was not from rich family.. yeah his family is simple… not so money-ful but not up to the extend of living a poor life…
So his friend suggested him to apply for zakat… the sponsorship is in medical field… no choice…

Yeah yeah it was a hard choice especially when you get all of it…
He was so excited being at UTP that he even forgot to prepare the right document.. know what? His parents came from kedah to send him the documents… he was supposed to go back home by bus but his parents came for him… what a loser….
But he got the sponsorship… yeah he strived for it… his parents strived for it… and god wills it…

He also asked his parents to send him to arau… although there was INTAN just nearby… they left home at 5 in the morning… performing subuh prayer at R&R… he arrived quite late… but still managed to get in the interview on time… he was so nervous but still able to speak properly especially in English… actually he was not so good speaking in English it was just that when he speaks in malay he became even worse…
But he got the sponsorship… yeah he strived for it… his parents strived for it… and god wills it…

Then the zakat thing… he filled the application form on the last day… he submitted the form at the end of office hours… he was so clumsy that his appli-form was so untidy, with mixing of capital and small letters… yeah guess who took him to the menara zakat every time? His parents of course…. the next week he was called to the interview and he answered more or less not so seriously… he never want to be a doctor after all… not at that time…
But he got the sponsorship… yeah he strived for it… his parents strived for it… and god wills it…

How about the agent? He got a half an hour lecture from his sisters when throwing that idea…
Even during his driving class… he asked his instructor for an opinion… the instructor (or is it teacher?) told him that an engineer is more interesting… he wanted to be an engineer… he saw utp already… he chatted with his friend… he got the same idea of studying machines rather than human… he loves maths.. sooo much… there are a lot of maths in engineering and very little and almost none maths in medic or pharmacy… yeah utp said HI to him already…

But I don’t know why in the god’s name he was here in Egypt today… he was studying here in this sooo miserable country.. if we compare the cleanliness… the traffic.. yeah this place is sooo sooo bad… but when we see from different perspectives… this place is not so bad… it is very good actually… the environment is dirty and sandy and dusty but there are many things here could be learnt… he just can’t say it yet because he is STILL learning too…
He met new friends… he met new people… he learnt new language… a language he doesn’t know himself… he smelled new air…(the dusty and stinky one).. there are so many things here… even he can’t describe all… what is seen bad.. he spoke his mind out… that’s why there are so many bad things is listed here… the good things? He kept it deep inside his heart so that he will keep on being strong to survive… this is an alien district…he can’t live here yet…he is merely staying..what is the difference? Living means freely live… staying means restricted…
Everyday… he thinks for the best reason to reason his presence here… he just doesn’t know.. even until now… he was confused… he was baffled.. he was puzzled… had he made the right choice or not? 

So I just met him and slap the senses in him… yeah I told him not to think about reasons.. sometimes there are no reasons…  why I am not him? Why he is not me? Why I don’t have an iPhone? Who can tell a reason? Just let it be… we must believe time to reveal all things… that I got from maiev shadowsong… yeah who the hell is that? Some people will know while some others will not… let it be… why they don’t know? No need for the reasons… even if there are reasons… it will not make much difference anyway…

I wrote this stuff so long… to remind me… that he is me… the boy up there… the boy who is now transforming into an adult.. although we both hate aging but white hairs keep on sprouting on our head… wrinkles forms… who can deny that? Who can reason that? Nobody.. just let it be… reasons are sooo not important here…
I want me to remember… loooooong ago… before I was created… the fate of mine was already spun… already exist… already known… fate has spoken.. I must obey.. this is an order.. by the god… whatever my choice is… I am not deciding it alone… part of it was already decided.. long ago… before I was born…  even before my grandmothers gave birth to my mother and father…
Come to think of it… regardless of where I am now… as long as I don’t leave HIM… I won’t be astray… I know I am just a people… there are a  lot more better people then me… those HE will love more… however one thing I do believe… HIS LOVE is soooo huge that he can love all even those who hate HIM… I believe HIS FORGIVENESS is soooo huge that he can even forgive all my sins if HE want to.. I just have to pray for that and be a better person…  I believe HIS WEALTH is soooo huge that he can feed me all the time and I only have to work for it a little… and one thing the most important is that I believe even if HE have a lot of faithful devotees out there that HE will love so even more than me… HE will still have time to listen to my prayers.. to count my tears.. to consider my doas… to love me and bless me with his never ending bestows…
Honestly things are rather hard here… the good friend I have is my laptop… yeah so silly but truly true… who will sing to me? Who will entertain me? Who will play with me if it is not my lappy? Just kidding… I got a better friend… let it be a secret for now… =p
If I was to write the story… I would be writing a mini novel just about this stuff.. I think this is enough… maybe this entry is boring.. with a lot of grammatical errors.. oh I don’t write for quite a long time and this is the consequence… I lost my vocabulary… my grammar mastery… my writing ability.. but never mind… there’s no need to reason… let it go… do better now.. don’t wait till tomorrow…

My muther.. my futher… my bruthers… my susters…(isn’t it lovely with that ‘u’? no? alright…whatever..) I miss you all.. but why didn’t I call? So many unspeakable truths here.. no need to reason ok.. I’ll do it when I get the chance… =p

This is the longest entry in full English so far, I think… haha yeah it might be…I really have to let go… I can’t go on if I keep on thinking about this… the past was long gone… the future awaits.. and now is the time… for whatever stuffs I need to settle.. gotta do it now… who can tell me a way to be happy? If I follow someone’s way it might just not work.. people are different even in the way of being happy… I am happy although every day I have to be in crowd and dust… that makes me learn… I am going to be sleeping with the dust one day… six feet under… who can tell what type of slimy things down there? Or the smell of rotten flesh? Everything will be the way it will be… just follow the flow…

This entry is so long right? Yeah.. so long… =p thanks if you read till the end… this uninteresting story of mine… thanks a lot yeah!!



p/s : everything is just written as they crossed the mind... nothing is to be taken personally.. =p=p=p

Thanks for reading. Bye ;)